" Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. "
- Stephen R. Covey
Everyone wants to get their words and minds out in a conversation but no one is listening. As above, we are listening with the intention to reply with our own stories and opinions instead of listening to understand. It is one of the phenomena that happened around me, to most of the people. (I am categorized in "most of the people") Listen to reply without understand the messages that were trying to be convey.
I love to talk. I would die for someone who could talk to me patiently everyday. I will talk about what happened during work, how little things could upset me, what is my opinion on this and that ... Basically, i talk non-stop until I met someone who was more 'talkative' than me. Who could just snap my words or my time for talking then i realized how myself and most of us are not listening to understand but to reply. It could be one of the reason why there are more and more people listen to reply instead of listen to understand.
With the reference of The Art of Conversation, do not reply an incident with your own story. Instead, reply with follow up questions and affirmative sounds (like Hmm... Huh?) to encourage the speakers to carry on until he/she finished. What i realized was that the stories told will only encourage the 'listener' to talk about their own stories instead of listening to understand what emotions are undergoing and what kind of comfort should be offered. Some just doesn't realize that they are the type of listener i'm referring to ...
I'm not a good listener but i'm learning. I listen to reply when i argue with my Bf, i'm never able to understand the messages he was trying to convey. Part of it is because of his tone of voice but i need to go beyond the tone of voice and understand his messages. It is hard but i should be practice active listening. I'm learning to be a good listener and sometimes, i talk over someone unconsciously.
Listening is not the same as hearing. To be a good listener, we need to be self-aware. We need to suppress our urge in talking over someone and sharing about our own stories (all the time). How upset it is when you were sharing something exciting and hoping your friends will ask you for more details or feelings but then someone else started sharing theirs on similar incident ...
10 Principles of Listening
1. Stop Talking
2. Prepare yourself to Listen
3. Put the Speaker at Ease
4. Remove Distractions
6. Be Patient
7. Avoid Personal Prejudice
8. Listen to the Tone
9. Listen for Ideas - not just the words
10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication
How wonderful will the world be if everyone could have someone who will listen to them and understand the emotions underlying and what kind of comfort they need. Listen to understand is important in relationship building and problem-solving, notably for married couples to sustain their relationship. Men and Women, please spend your precious time and patient on your spouse or partner. There are 168 hours in a week, please spare at least 2 hours for each other.